Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad Yadav....

... Hi, this is Rochelle D'Souza, one of your daily local train commuters.

I am quiet a patient, tolerant commuter, don’t get into unnecessary fights with others, but over the last few months that I’ve been travelling by the Mumbai locals, I have felt this need to educate my fellow passengers on a matter or two which would make travelling a tad easier for everyone.

• Jumping into the train to catch a seat - Well, you might say, they are exercising their constitutional right to get a seat, but at most times, it seems they are just sharpening their skills in hope that such jumps become the latest entry in the Olympics. I mean, take for instance, this lady who stands among the male passengers to get the first chance to soar into the ladies compartment - and for what - to alight after two stations - a mere distance of 8 kms. That too while suffering from a probable case of spondalitis or spine injury, from the look of the belts she wears on her. Or that college student who attempts this jump daily just to get the vantage spot on the footboard at the other end. Or during the sparsely crowded days of the holiday season. When any kid could predict that the seats available in the train are more than the passengers waiting to occupy them. We have all learned that the early bid catches the worm, but hey, there are enough worms for all the birds, so relax. I mean we're not entering a theatre or cinema hall where we need to reach early to get the balcony seats. All due respect to the Indian railways, but the surrounding scenery is not worth breaking your back over.
• First class or Second class - First and foremost, it does not depend on which class you can afford to travel in but more on your command on the language used by the travellers. You need to survive till your destination comes and survival sometimes depends purely on the gift of your gab. So if carrying on a ten minute breathless argument in Hindi interspersed with some of the latest foul words, is not up your alley, babes, you belong to the first class compartment. Next, check the baggage you are carrying. Physical I mean, totally not concerned about the emotional baggage you carry. If your company can afford to gift you a laptop, then they can definitely afford your first class travel. Don’t push that thing into those second class travellers, it does not interest or impress them in the least. They'd prefer the fisherwoman with her smelly basket over you and your wares. And if you look like a 3-ring circus with a briefcase plus laptop plus handbag, then you need to be introduced to one of the most interesting places - the luggage compartment. Get comfy there.
• The fourth seat - Oh my, the eternal debate continues on whether occupying a fourth seat is allowed in the first class or in the second class. See my dear friends; this too does not depend on the class of the compartment but on the size of the people occupying the other three seats. I mean, if the other three passengers represent the healthier portion of our country's population, there's not much option (or space as in this case) left for you in either of the compartments. I mean its not that the people expand in the first class or shrink in the second class, thus leaving or not leaving space for you on the fourth seat. So concentrate, not on the class, but on the mass, and especially focus on the lower half of the body. They could be looking like scavengers from their faces, but their Shakira hips are the ones sitting in your space.
• The seated over the standees - Dear seated one, please understand, you are just temporarily occupying that seat, you have not bought it or taken a hundred year lease on it. Neither were you born with that seat as a part of your rear end, so don’t throw that attitude of having an upper hand over the ones standing. They are the ones standing tall; they are the ones who have to look down on you, not the other way around. And excuse them for stepping on your pedicured toes or your white silk churidhar or bumping into your precious newspaper or smashing their bag into your face. They are totally apologetic for getting in the way of your comfort and luxury. I mean it’s totally their fault that you did not realise this morning that you're travelling by the 8.00 am local train and not the 8.00 am Kingfisher flight. They would also like to apologise in advance for the discomfort you're going to face in the coming monsoons.

So, Mr. Railway Minister, these comprise few of the behaviours that really irritates tolerant passengers like me. I mean, we don’t mind turning a deaf ear to the kid trying to turn his mobile chat into a live radio session. We don’t even mind lending our shoulders to the sleeping head which has lost all contact with the remaining body. And we are most appreciative of the budding singers of our country who have helped change the concept of 'bathroom singers' to 'train croakers'.
But there's a limit to everything. So if you don’t mind, take some time off, formulate a policy or two on the points i have just mentioned, try reducing our grievances a bit.

I mean, we so love travelling daily like a tin of sardines, we dont want these petty issues to dilute our joy.